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Monday, 3 January 2011

Lindsay Lohan Released From Rehab!!!

Lindsay was released from rehab, so enjoy all this stuff I wrote speculating on when she'd get out and inevitably drive over our faces.]
Earlier this morning, reports suggested Lindsay Lohan, who’s free to leave rehab today, was going to stick around for more treatment which immediately sounded like bullshit to anyone with even a passing knowledge of her. Turns out she’s sticking around because her beach house isn’t ready yet. RadarOnline reports:
    “Even though Lindsay is free from the court order on January 3, she has decided she only wants to be released from Betty Ford once her new living arrangements are complete and ready for her arrival,” an insider close to Lohan’s camp said.
    “In the event her the home is ready, she will be released Monday — if not, it could be Tuesday.”
Jesus. Leave it to Lindsay Lohan to treat a court-ordered rehab stint like a goddamn hotel stay.
DINA: You ready to go, honey? We can check into the Four Seasons until your place is ready.
LINDSAY: Nah, I’m going to hang out here. Their massages are to die for.
DINA: Really? But.. but.. how will you drink?
LINDSAY: Wait. You mean there’s not gin in your purse? Oh, God, the room’s getting smaller…
DINA: HA! Kidding! Now quick before the nurse comes. Pretend it’s your eighth birthday. Chug, chug, chug, chug!

Apparently Dina Lohan, Queen of the Harpy Enablers, is back in the picture because not only did she pick Lindsay up from rehab today, she’s been allowed to issue statements which is the closest thing she has to sex now after the alcohol took her ability to be penetrated.
    “I thank everyone for their support, but I ask as a mother that she be given the time and space she needs.”
    … A source tells me that Lindsay was picked up by her mom and that her father, Michael, was not involved in her big exit. I’m told that after she’s out, Lindsay will not be going to a safe house and that she’ll likely be staying in Los Angeles for a while with her mom.”
I’m pretty sure if Lindsay Lohan is the final product, you’re not allowed to make sweeping requests “as a mother.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that excludes you from anything that doesn’t involve drinking yourself to death and praying to God no one finds out you lost a child that time Chili’s had 99 cent margaritas. How were you to supposed know he wasn’t in your purse? That’s where babies belong!


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